out of place

out of place

by: Erin Orellana

Everything, it all starts coated in red.

Soft, fresh, and pink shuddering, wet gasps.

Gulping crisp air, cold wisps curling down my throat.

Untouched, untainted, newborn.

Wailing, crying.

Out of place.

This piece of innocence in a tainted world of chaos.

Swirling chaos.

Who am I.

I don’t know.

Don’t remember.

This epileptic mind.

Can’t control – No Control.

How long? Have I been gone?

Time is running away.

Time is running away. From me now.

Help me now.

This epileptic mind.

Can’t comprehend.

Falling away. Away.

Gotta catch up now.

Run up that hill.

It’s all so foreign.

What happened to me?

So many.

White baby tablets.

So many…needs.

This chaotic fog.

These needs indeed.

All clogged up.

Got a thousand pounds sitting on my eyelids.

These Meds indeed.

AM. PM.

Breakfast. Lunch and Dinner.

Oh. Don’t forget your meds honey.

Yes. Dad.

Did you take your meds?

Yes. Mom.

I’ve got a never ending obligation.

Can’t let it slip.

I slip and –

F

A

L

L

bLaCKneSs

CoNFuSIOn

DiSTorTiOn

EMBARRASSMENT

Where, where am I?

Time?

Morning? No?

Afternoon? Yes.

School? Yes.

Head still spinning. It hurts.

Everything hurts.

My body.

My mind – why is everyone staring?

stop – STOP.

…please.

I’ve slipped fallen.

Now I’ve been torn, ripped to shreds.

Picked up in the eye of a storm.

Thrown off course.

Can’t find my place anymore.

Lost everything.

Funny how it’s all become so much more precious.

Innocence saves face. Can’t see the big picture.

Foreign lands, alien faces.

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Anger is a secondary emotion.

So I heard.

If you’re angry just remember that first you were hurt.

Vision shifts to crimson. Blind fury.

Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?

Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?

Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?

Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?

Swirling, swirling downwards. Looking for answers.

Take me back.

Take me home.

Again

Adjust. Learn. Adapt.

The mind can adapt to any change.

So I heard.

Grab on to that. Cling on to it.

Adapt. Learn.

Edges don’t quite fit against this backdrop.

Never will.

Torn along the seam. Frayed.

Just a patchwork job.

Another year.

Year. Year. Year.

Back home.

Not the same.

Can’t express.

Their language drawling lifting high and low it’s all too fast.

Every time I try my words get stuck in my throat.

My emotions too enormous to string into words. I swallow the words down.

Pushing them down painfully.

Silence is now my friend.

I have a voice I know how to speak.

It’s not my fault. I think I’ve just forgotten how.

I’ll try to tell you how I feel but the words betray me.

Stumbling and falling over each other.

I don’t know how to get to know you.

I listen to you lean in closer.

Nod my head. I understand.

But do you.

How do I open up to you.

Crack myself open – do the impossible.

I’m really trying, I am.

Just give me some time.

That’s all.

My mind it moves kinda fast.

Patience please. You’re really all I have.

You mean the world to me.

Though I might not show it the way you do.

It’s OK. We’ll make it through and out.

I’ll make it.

It’s fine.

I’m fine.

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